The Lost Archetype: Why Modern Men Are Struggling to Find Their Place in Society (and why it's not their fault)

by Melissa Williams at Zen Mind Body Therapies

In the quiet corners of therapy rooms, in the dark musky sports bars of late-night venues and in the conversations whispered between friends over coffee, a deep unease is surfacing. It’s not loud, but it’s everywhere. It’s the ache of the modern man. Not one of pride or power, but of confusion.

We are living in a time where roles have changed faster than we could adapt to them. Where traditional structures; some outdated, some essential, have collapsed and sadly nothing has fully risen in their place. Masculinity, once clearly defined (for better or worse), has now become a moving target and many men don’t know who they are anymore. 

It’s not just that they’re lost, it’s that they’ve never been shown how to belong.

For centuries, men were raised with a sense of purpose. A boy would become a man when he learned to provide, protect, hunt, build, mentor, or lead. His worth was not in his charm or desirability, but in his contribution to something greater, his family, tribe, or community.

But in the modern world, where machinery, AI, and convenience have replaced manual skill and survival, many of those rites of passage have quietly vanished. In their place, we’ve handed men little more than performance metrics and dating apps. We expect depth, devotion, emotional intelligence, but rarely show them how to cultivate it.

And when there’s no initiation into true masculinity, men often fall into performance instead: seduction over sincerity, image over integrity, detachment over depth.

When masculinity loses its purpose, men don’t become free, they become fractured. They disconnect not just from women or partners, but from themselves. They seek novelty instead of depth. They replace devotion with distraction and slowly, something sacred gets lost.

So What Do We Do?

We start by calling it what it is: a cultural disconnect disguised as empowerment.

A loss of meaning wearing the mask of freedom.

We stop glamorising detachment and start honouring depth. We reintroduce initiation not into outdated stereotypes, but into grounded, embodied leadership.

We teach boys to feel and men to:

Be responsible and accountable.

To have a sound moral compass and live with integrity.

To see women not as a menu of “options” or vessels for novelty and pleasure but as gateways to depth, devotion and comradery. 

To hold space for those around them.

To build something of meaning in their lives not just for themselves.

To love without giving up when things become challenging.

To understand that real masculinity is not about conquest, it’s about the capacity to have a strong sense of moral obligation and remain anchored. 

Now let’s us not shame men for being lost. Let us teach them how to find their way home. Let us not diminish the strength of women. Let us build the kind of men who can meet that strength with grace, integrity, and presence.

Let us make room for all expressions of identity, while still calling in the men who long to remember what it means to truly be one. Because the world is not better when men vanish. It’s better when they rise.

The flawed logic of animal comparisons and the Misuse of Tribal History:

We’re Not Dolphins (and That’s the Point)

There’s a popular argument floating through the minds of modern men dodging responsibility.

It usually sounds like this:

“Monogamy isn’t natural. Gorillas mate with whoever they want. Dolphins have sex all the time with everyone in the pod. Early humans were tribal and shared partners…..So why should I be tied down?”

At first glance, it sounds plausible. Even progressive. Evolutionary psychology, nature = hello freedom!

But dig deeper, and this narrative collapses under its own weight.

Because if we’re going to model human morality on animal behaviour, then let’s really go there.

 Gorillas Kill Infants That Aren’t Theirs. They beat their chests, fight rivals to the death, and display dominance by violence.

Dolphins Murder Their Own Calves. Male dolphins have been documented drowning babies to make the mother sexually available again.They have also been known to gang up in “rape pods” and force themselves on lone females.

It has even been documented that Otters, Rape Baby Seals Until They Die

Nature is brutal, not noble….and yet, it’s animal behaviour. Natural, by that standard.

So if we’re invoking nature to excuse “free love,” we must also accept that nature is full of death, pain, suffering, domination, and chaos. It doesn’t care about morality, safety, empathy, compassion, individual rights or soul evolution. That’s what separates us from them. We don’t evolve by imitating animals. We evolve by becoming what animals cannot: conscious, moralistic, value driven, empathic, compassionate and capable of rising beyond impulse.

Some try to justify this avoidance by pointing to ancient tribes or animals as if referencing gorillas, lions or other polygamous cultures gives moral weight to disconnection. But these arguments often miss the most important detail:

Responsibility.

Even in tribal cultures where sexual openness was practiced, there was structure. There was guidance. There was accountability. Fathers didn’t just disappear. Providers didn’t opt out and ghost only to find a better tribe to take care of for a few months before moving on again. They stayed, regardless of the challenges they faced.

In fact, the more people a man bonded with, the more he was expected to give, emotionally, physically, spiritually. There was no model of tribal masculinity that involved intimate relations with many women and then providing for none. Even in polygamous cultures, masculinity was measured by presence, not escape.

This isn’t a call to go backward, however and It’s not about shaming pleasure, non-traditional relationships, or personal choice. It’s about reclaiming direction and our place within the highly social, psychologically evolved world we live in. 

Humans Are Not Just Instinct: We’re Meaning

Yes, some tribal cultures shared partners. But they also shared food, responsibility, and purpose. They didn’t just lie with each other. They stood by each other.

And yes, humans are animals, but we are also myth-makers, story tellers, romantics, philosophers and makers of music and art that deeply moves us. We pass down values. We create love, not just lust. We commit not because it’s easy, but because it’s meaningful.

To quote the soul of this message:

“If we justify our behaviour based on the natural world, then we must accept all of nature, not just the sexy parts.”

And if you truly want to live like a gorilla or a dolphin then give up written language, art, creativity, philosophy, medicine, music, and soul. Because those things require responsibility, containment, and care. They require a nervous system that can hold depth, not flee from it.

In the End, This Isn’t About Shame: It’s About Sovereignty

A man who references animals to avoid committing to one woman is not sovereign.

He is scared. Of being seen. Of being known. Of being responsible for the wake he leaves behind.

But that fear can be met, not with mockery, but with initiation. Into a masculinity that doesn’t run from choice. Because a thousand partners may feed your ego but only one will teach you how to love beyond it.

The Forgotten Rite

In every traditional culture, there was a moment where a boy was taken from his mother’s arms and brought into the wilderness, not out of cruelty, but out of necessity. He was tested. He was stripped of comfort. He was met by men who had walked the fire before him. And only when he proved he could withstand the unknown… did he earn the right to return as a man.

This was the initiation.

Without it, there was no transformation. Only a boy’s body growing, while his spirit remained undeveloped.

Today, that rite is gone. And the boy is left to define manhood by whatever fragments remain.

Jordan Peterson has often spoken about this collapse, not just of masculinity, but of meaning itself. In the absence of initiation, men invent their own trials: violence, risk, addiction, conquest, perpetual seekers of novelty and pleasure. They seek power without purpose. Freedom without direction. Pleasure without presence.

They do not fail to grow up.

They fail to transform.

And transformation requires something our society now resists at all costs:

“Responsibility.”

Not just the responsibility to pay bills or show up to work, but to anchor. To become someone others can rely on. To hold space, not just for himself, but for those he leads, loves, and protects. That is the true definition of what it means to be an “Alpha Male”.

But how do you anchor when no one taught you how?

How do you stay when everything around you screams “leave and find something better….easier?

Without rites of passage, a man doesn’t learn to face fear, so he runs.

He doesn’t learn to delay gratification, so he consumes.

He doesn’t learn to hold others in their vulnerability, so he avoids intimacy altogether.

Instead of devotion, he chooses novelty.

Instead of stillness, stimulation.

Instead of partnership, performance.

And this is why comparing ourselves to animals is a broken argument.

Yes, dolphins mate with many.

But dolphins also murder their young when stressed.

Otters drown their mates.

Lions eat their cubs when they feel threatened.

So if we are to justify human behaviour based on primal instinct, let us also embrace the chaos, violence, and selfishness that instinct includes.

Or….

we rise above instinct.

We build culture.

We choose ethics.

We create myth to guide us toward what animals cannot:

Conscious love. Legacy. Meaning.

That is the archetype we’re slowly losing.

And the cost of that loss is showing in every fractured relationship, every noncommittal fling, every lonely woman desperately seeking her masculine companion, every child without a stable father, every man who believes being “alpha” means being free from responsibility, rather than defined by it.

But there is hope.

Because buried beneath the noise,

beneath the scrolling, the ego, the porn, the ghosting, the silence, there is a deeper knowing.

There is an ancient part of every man that longs to be called forth.

And if we want to change the culture,

we must first resurrect the initiation.

Beyond the Mask: The Masculine Wound

Chris Bale, an energetic guide and somatic mentor known for his teachings on embodied masculinity, polarity in relationships and nervous system awareness, speaks of the masculine not as a performance but as a frequency.

Not something you prove by how many women you can attract, or how aloof you can remain…But something you embody in every moment you choose presence over posturing.

He calls it energetic leadership. Not the kind that needs applause. But the kind that says:

“I know who I am. And I will not abandon myself—or you—when things get real.”

This is where modern men have been sold a counterfeit.

They think the game is about withholding love, calculating texts, keeping options open.

But the true masculine doesn’t play games. He leads energy. He stabilises chaos, not by controlling it, but by meeting it with unwavering presence.

Bale, also warns of the Performance Masculine:

These are men who look the part. Speak the part. Even meditate, journal and quote Rumi. But when intimacy knocks, they disappear.

Because deep down, they have not yet confronted their own emotional orphanhood. So they ghost. They retreat.

They may speak of how well they believe they know the feminine, position themselves as someone with deep philosophical insight but because they haven’t fully embodied their intellectual knowledge, they can’t hold a real woman in her full expression. 

Because being near the feminine without control, terrifies them.

As the saying goes “Knowledge is not power, it’s the application of knowledge that is true power”.

Chris teaches that the masculine doesn’t run from the wildness and the chaos of the feminine. He grounds it. Not to tame her. But to remind her that she is safe to unfurl, unmask, and unfreeze.

A Return to the Wild

This is why movements like Instagram influencer “Outback Mike” and his new documentary “Modern Day Castaway” matter. Why survival skills, connection to nature, and rites of passage are so essential.

As a therapist and also someone who has also worked in hospitality in male-dominated venues across Sydney and someone who has spent time in modern dating, I can say with confidence that the survival skills once foundational to the masculine spirit are slowly being lost in today’s world….and with them, a deep sense of purpose.

What I see now is a generation of men struggling with mental health, addiction, binge drinking, lack of self-worth, avoidance of responsibility, fear of intimacy, and resistance to commitment. Many have become detached from community, disconnected from family values, and entangled in antisocial or self-destructive behaviours.

Why?

Because our modern, easy, overly comfortable lifestyles have rendered the survivalist, protector, and provider roles of men in many ways, seemingly obsolete.

Watching men like Outback Mike, a rare breed, a family man, who steps into the wilderness, survives and connects deeply with nature and returns home to his family more alive and resilient as a result, you realise just how few men today still embody those ancient, vital qualities. His new documentary “The Real Castaway” isn’t just about survival; it’s a mirror to a society that’s losing touch with the primal essence of masculinity.

And now, as if to further widen the gap, the government is proposing increases to the cost of camping in New South Wales National Parks, making access to the wild, to freedom, and to nature even harder for everyday Australians. Men like Mike are standing up to fight this shift and it matters more than people realise.

Because when men are cut off from nature, they’re cut off from something ancient in themselves. We need men to be allowed to be men. Not in the outdated, macho sense, but in the archetypal sense: as protectors, providers, builders, hunters, seekers, and guides. These aren’t just romantic ideas they’re the foundation of male biology, psychology, and purpose.

If we want to see men thrive again, not just coast through life on autopilot or drown in avoidance and numbness, then we have to bring them back to the wild. Let them fish. Let then hunt, Let them camp. Let them swim, explore, sail, build, forage, and reconnect. Let them get lost in the forest until they remember what it means to be fully alive.

Because when a man learns to pitch a tent, catch his food, protect his people, and walk silently through wild terrain, he doesn’t just learn how to survive. He learns how to belong.

And in that belonging, not to a woman, not to a label, not to a company, not to a trend, but to something real, rooted, and ancient. He finds the part of himself he forgot was missing….

…..and you see, it’s not just men who need this…

….It’s all of us.

Much of the inspiration and insight for this article were drawn from these incredible men:

Michael Atkinson - @outback_mike

Chris Bale - @chrisblaeawakened

Jordan Peterson - @jordan.b.peterson